Just another day

just woke half up an need to put this into words

and now I’m typing this and I type better than I write
I don’t know how to  say this right
I was half asleep a little girl hugged me in my sleep and told me everything was going to be okay
I asked how do you know and she said she knew
I said “do you promise?” and she said absolutely yes
I said wait a minute what’s your name and she said chili – like the pepper not the country and she hugged me again
and now I’m typing this

from a recent speech to organic community:

The fact that we are exporting sugar cookies to Denmark while we import sugar cookies from Denmark. A mind boggling trade that one economist said when he was told of it, “Wouldn’t it be more efficient to swap recipes?”

i’ve had tons of work to do this weekend and have been TOTALLY UNFOCUSED. not able to keep my attention in one place. ADD it seems. i’ve surfed, posted, created a new website, bought new health insurance online, looked for more jobs (even though i’m not doing the ones i have) and read other people’s journal entries. i even shopped for bras! okay – now i have to focus and i’ts already nearly 8 pm here. only 5 1/2 more hours of work to do (good thing i can finish some of it tomorrow a.m.) – i think i’ll go smoke now. haha was reminded by a new friend to think of this week as a week of solace. that i’ll do. good idea. tomorrow it’s supposed to be 75 degrees and sunny here (yay spring!) and so i’ll take the doggie out for a little fresh air (to enhance my allergies – boo allergies) i’m in an awfully good mood today, arent i? weird. go with it, trish, go with it.

woke up cranky this morning.  mainly because my dad decided to wake me at 7 am because he heard my alarm go off at 6.  i was hoping to sleep in – damn alarm.  so, now i’m working again, which is good ’cause it’s due today, but hafta get ready to go to AA meeting, shopping and lunch with the ‘rents.  off to “home” tomorrow.  in quotes because it’s hard to call crappy apartment home.  going to have to seriously think about moving here.  snow vs. rain.  who wins?  i could get a nice place here for what i’m paying back home; and be away from all the bad memories, bad people; bad AA meetings; general badness.

geographical?  yes, but in a good way.  good meetings here, support of my parents, and a nice place to live.  what to do what to do?

i’m reading a book called First Year Sobriety: When All That Changes is Everything, even though i had five years once – i’m back to “first year sobriety.”  my sobriety is so different this time.  it’s difficult, moody, challenging, full of set backs and relapses, disappointing.  but the chapter i just read on feelings – “feelings are not fact.”  this is something i guess i’ve been noticing lately thanks to therapy.  i go through so many moods, but if i just kinda sit back and look at them and not REACT, which is my M.O.D., then they pass and another feeling comes to take its place.  it’s almost entertaining if i can get myself to that sort of out-of-body, watching things, self-awareness kind of thing.  not easy to do.  but sober, i have more opportunity to practice and i hope one day to be really good at it.

sometimes i can actually feel myself shut down. self-awareness lately has made it so. my therapist has me practicing self-awareness, which actually now has crept in as an occasional habit and not something i have to practice anymore. argh! so my eyes go flat, my face turns into a mask (not really – more of an flat-anger mask) and i feel like i’m shutting down. and, why? because my parents are treating me like a child – so i’ve decided to pout and actually act like one? geez, i hate my stupid childish emotions. therapist says i’m emotionally stunted from when i first started drinking and/or using. so i’m 14. fucking awesome

kevin bacon game – i had to explain to my mom – but i got there. my aunt is related to lowell ganz, who was a writer on parenthood, starring steve martin, who was in planes trains and automobiles with keving bacon. w00t

Just saw I Love You, Man and it was hilarious, ridonkulous.    but i laughed till i cried (so did the rest of the theater – ‘cept my dad.  i think i just found out he has no sense of humor).  anyhoo.  great vacation so far.  went to a great meeting this morning and heard what i needed to.  i’m here just getting healthy, working, working out and laughing a lot.  made dad watch Dodgeball last night – mom and i laughed – dad didnt.  alas.  i shall quit worrying about it and just enjoy myself. 

I’m in Bend right now visiting the folks till the end of the month.  Since i brought my computer i’ve been working most of the time.  the pets are out of their element and wont let me sleep and my dad keeps FEEDING me!  mom and i are going to work out today, though, so that’ll be good.  and i stayed up till the wee hours reading a good mystery (i cant ever quit those till i’m done ’cause i have to find out what happens!)  Supposed to be working on recovery here.  Going to meetings and eating right and exercising and stuff.  But, i’ve been so busy with work, it’s been hard to get to the other good stuff (‘cept the eating of course).  Today, we go work out, go to Trader Joe’s and have pot roast for dins – mmm.  Hopefully tonite the pets let me sleep.  Love to all who care.  Peace – me

i’ve been keeping a separate journal for recovery/therapy thoughts per my therapists recommendation, so i’ve not been keeping up with this.  following my x-mas suicide attempt, things have been much better.   new therapist, renewed sobriety, happier household – and FOUR JOBS!  well, really,, four clients and they’ve all been keeping me uber-busy, which is both good and bad.  i need time to get to meetings and the gym, but since the month of holiday season was DEAD, i’m happy to have work.  and new work.  my new people LOVE me and have just given me super kudos, prompting the big boss to call me and tell me what wonderful reports he’d gotten on me and to “keep up the good work.”  they’re going to review me after this financial quarter ends (march-ish) and i’ll be up for a raise then!  yay!  hard to get raises in this business.  but, i’m totally stoked about that (how’s that for an 80′s term?)  LOL.  life is good, getting better, so am i …  if i can just continue to save me from myself.

my funny editor